All My Life's A Circle

Who's ready to get all existential with me? Prepare yourself because this is where I tell you that birth is the same as death. Well maybe not so much "the same" as opposite sides of the same coin. I came upon this realization last week when L&J brought forth her own little initial, W. My first thought was of course, "they're going to need food." Which got me thinking - I always bring over a bunch of prepared meals to my new mommy friends, but I never realized how important those meals really were until almost three months ago.

When Thatdad died, we were inundated with people all the time, friends, relatives, and we were severely lacking in the food department. People brought cookies and cakes, but our refrigerator was in a constant state of empty and there was very little real food to be found. When no one was over, we scavenged bits of what we could find. Around dinner when the people poured in Thatbrother, my cousin China, and I took turns calling and ordering food and running out to pick it up for everyone. We obviously weren't grocery shopping, and really, neither was the family who had come to support us. I thought how similar it was to my new mother friends - the last thing you have time for is really the most important - making meals and running to the grocery store. And the family that comes to stay and help out really wants to be there for you, and not running errands. Of course there's probably a fairly constant stream of visitors, many coming at prime meal times and no matter what's going on in your life, a good hostess never wants her guests to be uncomfortable.

So as soon as I got word of W's arrival, I began planning meals. L is semi-vegetarian, in the "no red meat" camp so I wanted some things that were high in protein, but low in animal.

Sweet Potato and Black Bean Burritos (and L&J, since I know you read this and right now are scratching your head about those extra burritos that never made it to your home......I blame Thatbrother and UDubb who acted as my taste-testers. ) Veggie free, dairy free, and super easy to heat and eat. They can even be eaten with one hand, in case you need to hold a baby or something.

Baked whole wheat penne with turkey sausage. This one isn't as hands free, dairy free, or meat free - but turkey isn't red meat and I wanted to give her something that would feed a crowd, in case a crowd showed up. And a pasta dish with meat is usually a pretty big crowd pleaser.

Black Bean Burritos. As Thatboy would say, these are "enchilado style" (which is his favorite way to eat burritos). These are a my compromise - vegetarian, but with loads of cheese. Less hand friendly, still good for a crowd.

Before I drove all these goodies over to L&J's home in Alaska, I gave her a little text telling her I was going to be stopping off at Whole Foods on the way up to do a little grocery shopping for her and did she have any requests? They don't have Whole Foods in her neck of the woods, and I thought they might be in need of some basic groceries. Even though L's mom was staying to help out, I didn't want her to have to run out and pick things up.

So I stopped off and picked up soy milk, bread, eggs, juice, cold cuts - just the basic stuff for a quick breakfast or lunch. I also snuck in a couple of chocolate bars because of their "Twilight" themed names. L&J both LOVED the series, even though L is the one who convinced me not to read any past the first because of my constant anger and outrage. "It's only going to get worse, and you're only going to get more upset," she warned me. So when I saw "New Moon" and "Eclipse" in the chocolate aisle I knew I had to throw some in the bag. Thatboy questioned why they didn't have "Breaking Dawn" which is funny because that's exactly what J said when he made his discovery of the treat.

I threw in a couple of nylabones for L&Js four legged friends (and a good thing too, it kept them occupied the entire time I was there!) and we were on our way.

My plan was to drop the goods and run, but I ended up staying and chatting with L&J and L's mother for a bit. I haven't seen L in a couple months - since our "let's make strawberry cupcakes" impulse date, so we traded stories about things we missed out as she nursed little W. For those of you who "know" L, you'll be pleased to hear everyone is doing really well. J is a HUGE help - L commented that he's such a natural he often tells her how to do things. L is healing quickly and looks tired but happy - really happy. Very zen relaxed happy. And as for little W? He's ADORABLE. And tiny! L&J think he looks big - but he doesn't. He's got these clear blue eyes (not a big surprise) and little old man face (typical for a baby. I hear they grow out of that and then back into it again). He's gaining weight like a rockstar and so far seems to like being part of their lives (I'm sure he'll feel differently around 14 or 15).

It's so heartwarming to see L&J with W, and a reminder to me that life does go on and good things do happen.

Where we live

Yesterday Thatboy and I spent our museum day at the Museum of San Diego History. Since neither of us are natives it was fun to learn a little bit about our home. There were many other non-natives here as evidenced by one of the exhibits in which you had to pick a color that matched your status and fill out a little card- San Diego resident, San Diego visitor, and San Diego native. You would not BELIEVE the number of San Diego natives that were born in other countries....looks like someone needs to become better friends with their copy of Websters.

The museum isn't as big and flashy as some of the other museums. But then again, San Diego isn't as big or flashy as some other cities. That's kind of why we like it so much.

The floor of the museum has a scale map of the county. When you live so close to the coast, you forget how giagantic the county actually is. It extends East for miles and miles and miles. Thatboy decided we need to do more lake exploring after seeing how many there were.

If you've been to San Diego before, you've no doubt seen our red trolleys. They were my main means of transportation downtown when I was in school because really who wants to pay for parking? AND the stop was in the complex behind mine which made getting home after a night at the bars very easy. Those red trolleys apparently used to be yellow. Like a school bus. I can't decide if I like the red or yellow better... Both are pretty friendly, right?

San Diego was once big time mining country. Rumor has it, there's still gold in dem dar hills. I thought this miner's 10 commandments was funny - but for those of you who don't have super human vision, here's the text:

Ten Commandments

A man spake these words and said: I am a miner, who wandered "from down east and came to sojourn in a strange land and 'see the elephant'". And behold I saw him and bear witness, that from the key of his trunk to the end of his tail, his whole body has passed before me: and I followed him until his huge feet stood still before a clabboard shanty: then, with his trunk extended, he pointed to a candle-card tacked upon a shingle as though he would say read, and I read

THE MINER'S TEN COMMANDMENTS

1. Thou shalt have no other claim than one.
2. Thou shall not make unto thyself any false claim, nor any likeness to a mean man by jumping one: whatever thou findest on the top above, or on the rock beneath, or in a crevice underneath the rock—for I am a jealous dog and will visit the miners round with my presence to invite them on my side: and when they decide against thee thou shalt have to take thy pick and thy pan, thy shovel and thy blankets with all thou hast and go "prospecting" both north and south to seek good diggings: and thou shalt find none. Then when thou has returned in sorrow thou shalt find that thine own claim is worked out, and no pile made thee, to hide it in the ground, or in an old boot beneath thy bunk, or in a buckskin or bottle underneath the cabin, but has paid all that was in thy purse away, worn out thy boots and thy garments so that there is nothing good about them but the pickets, and thy patience be likened unto the garments: and at last thou shalt hire thy body out to make thy board and save thy bacon.
3. Thou shalt not go prospecting before thy claim gives out. Thou shalt not take thy money, nor thy gold dust, nor thy good name, to the gambling table in vain: for monte, twenty-one, roulette, faro, lansquenet and poker will prove to thee, that the more thou puttest down, the less thou shalt take up: and when thou thinkest of thy wife and children, thou shalt not hold thyself guiltless, but insane.
4. Thou shalt not remember what thy friends do at home on the Sabbath day, lest the rememberance may not compare favorably with what thou doest. Six days thou mayest dig or pick all that thy body can stand under; but the other day is Sunday, when thou shalt wash all the dirty shirts, darn all thy stockings, tap all thy boots, mend all thy clothing, chop the whole week's fire-wood, make up and bake thy bread and boil thy pork and beans, that thou wait not when thou returnest from thy long tour, weary. For in six days' labor only thou canst not work enough to wear out the body in two years; but if thou workest hard on Sunday also, thou canst do it in six months and thou, and thy son, and thy daughter, thy male friend and thy female friend, thy morals and thy conscience be none the better for it: but reproach thee shouldst thou ever return with thy worn-out body to thy mother's fireside, and thou strive to justify thyself, because the trader and the blacksmith, the carpenter and the merchant, the tailors, Jews, and bucaneers defy God and civilization, by keeping not the Sabbath day, and wish not for a day of rest, such as memory, youth and home made hallowed.
5. Think more of all thy gold and how canst make it fastest, than how thou wilt enjoy it, after thou hast ridden, rough-shod, over thy good old parents' precepts and examples, that thou mayest have something to reproach and sting thee, when thou art left alone in the land where thy father's blessing and thy mother's love sent thee.
6. Thou shalt not kill thine own body by working in the rain, even though thou shalt make enough to buy physic and attendance with—neither shalt thou kill thy neighbor's body by shooting him, except he give thee offence—then upon principle of honor; without principle; thou mayest, even though by "keeping cool" thou hadst saved his live and thy conscience.
7. Thou shalt not grow discouraged, and think of going home before thou hast made thy "pile", because thou hast not "struck a lead", or found a "rich crevice", nor sunk a hole upon a "pocket", lest in going home thou shalt leave four dollars a day, and go to work, ashamed, at fifty cents, and serve the right: for here, by staying, thou mightest strike a lead and fifty dollars a day, and thy manly self-respect and then go home with enough to make thyself and others happy.
8. Thou shalt not pick out specimens from the company pan, and put them into thy mouth or in thy purse. Neither shalt thou take from thy cabinmate his gold dust to add to thine, lest he find thee out, and straightaway call his fellow-miners together, and they hang thee, or give thee fifty lashes and two hours to leave the country, or brand thee like a horse thief with R upon thy cheek, to be "known and read of all men" Californians in particular. And if thou steal a shovel, or a pick, or a pan, from thy toiling fellow-miner, hanging will be too good for thee, and thou ask to be kicked and cow hided for thy pains: and forever hang down thy head.
9. Thou shalt not tell any false tales about "good diggings in the mountains" to thy neighbor, that thou mayest benefit a friend who hath mules, and provisions, and tools, and blankets he cannot sell—lest in deceiving thy neighbor, when he returneth through the snow, with aught save his rifle, he present thee with contents thereof, and like a dog, thou shalt fall down and die.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's gold nor his claim, nor undermine his bank in following a lead, nor move his stake, nor wash the tailings from his sluice's mouth, nor throw dirt upon his bank, And if thy neighbor have his family here, and thou love and covet his daughter's hand in marriage, thou shalt lose no time in seeking her affection; and when thou hast obtained it, thou shalt "pop the question" like a man, lest another more manly than thou art, should step in before thee, and thou covet her in vain, and in the anguish of disappointment, thou shalt quote the language of the great and say, "Let her rip!" and thy future be that of a poor, lonely, despised and comfortless bachelor.

The end.

A LITTLE ONE THROWN IN—Thou shalt not dig up a public road, unless thou canst afford to fix it again as good as before, otherwise thou injurest the teamster to benefit thyself, and he curse thee every time he passeth. Amen.

FORTY NINE
[James M. Hutchings]

Right around here is where I noticed the "no photography" signs so I put away my camera. You'll just have to believe me when I tell you about the galleries of San Diego artists, and the exhibit on Marston's Department Store, a San Diego icon.

Okay - it's time for the season finale of Lost - Thatboy is conviced that Jacob and "the man in black" represent God and the Devil...guess we'll find out!

More Fun With The Firsts

First and his insta-family are trying to make the most out of their time in California. While First makes it out here sporadically, it is First Wife's first visit here and obviously First Child has limited travel experience racked up in her first 2.5 years. So they're trying to cover all their Southern California bases. Today they spent the day in San Diego and are working their way up to Santa Barbara over the next week. We met up with the Firsts for dinner tonight in La Jolla.

The requirements for dinner was some place kid friendly (First Child) with some healthy dining options (First Wife) and beer and man food available (First). I gave them a list of some options and First chose the Karl Strauss Brewing Company. I'm not terribly surprised, I had a hunch that was going to be his first pick.

For those not in the know, Karl Strauss is a San Diego based brewing company. It's a chain, which I usually try to avoid when people are visiting, I mean you don't need to travel across the country to eat something you can find in your backyard, but all our favorites aren't exactly loads of fun for a small child. The food is good, fun, and easy, but the beer is the highlight. And we must have looked cute, because our waitress brought us all samples of the brews to try while we ate. We all got different burgers, except First Child who had chicken fingers. I didn't take pictures because while First would probably accept my eccentricites, he brought along an old friend they're staying with and I get enough strange looks from strangers not sitting at my table. Besides - y'all know what a burger looks like, right? We had beef burgers, turkey burgers, veggie burgers - quite the diverse little table. First Child spent the entire night regaling me with stories about how dogs chase cats and cats jump over fences.

After dinner, I dragged the crew next door for some tart ice cream. They don't have it where First's family comes from and First Wife has been trying to cut out her sugars lately since she gets to wear a gorgeous white dress in a couple of months. It's called Green Apple and we all decided that was also the best flavor. Other choices included chocolate raspberries, blackberry, and original tart with lemon. It was a huge hit with everyone, including First Child who insisted on only eating hers out of the little sample cup. Then she insisted everyone sit at the teeny tiny tables made especially for people like First Child. How cute is the First Family?

It was fun spending time with First and his family and I know they're going to have a great rest of their trip. Tomorrow they're headed up to spend some time with Thatmom, Thatbrother, and UDubb.

In the Sun

Back when Thatboy and I lived in Orange County it wasn't uncommon for us to awaken to a phone call on a weekend morning:

"Wanna meet us for breakfast in thirty minutes?" It was always Thatdad, and it was usually around 7:00 in the morning. You don't even know the restraint he showed by waiting until 7:00, since he had already been up for hours by that point in time. On weekends he'd let Thatmom sleep in till 5 or 5:30. Waiting later than 7:00 am to eat breakfast was practically like eating lunch so there was never negotiations to move breakfast to a more reasonable time like 9 or 9:30.

Although Thatdad and Thatmom went out to breakfast every weekend at "their place" which we won't be returning to anytime in the near future, Thatfamily would always meet for breakfast at The Cottage in Laguna Beach.

We haven't been to The Cottage in a while, and Thatmom thought it might be nice to have a Mother's Day breakfast there - but not on Mother's Day because we had too much to do. So Saturday morning we headed down to Laguna.

UDubb lives across the street, so her and Thatbrother got the phonecall at 8:00 that Thatboy and I used to get on a regular basis. See how sweet we are, letting them sleep in a whole extra hour? We still beat them to the restaurant, so Thatboy entertained himself while we waited. His arms are not broken. They work perfectly fine.

Thatboy had your basic "Junior Breakfast." When I told him he didn't need 10 pancakes he argued with me, making a circle with his thumb and forefinger telling me how small they were going to be. We brought almost all of those pancakes home. Is anyone else addicted to cold pancake leftovers or am I just weird? When his meal arrived, Thatboy actually asked where his egg was...the waitress kindly directed him to check under his mountain of pancakes. And I know a number of you are probably surprised at the absence of bacon on the plate. I know I was. Apparently someone felt like being "different."

The reason for so many breakfasts at The Cottage? The buckwheat blueberry pancakes. Thatdad always got them with walnuts, Thatmom always got them without.

UDubb's Laguna Scramble. Don't worry! She got eggwhites! So it's SUPER healthy. Just ignore all those fried potato things. I'm pretty sure she did.

I'm not usually a pancake person, but I was intrigued by the buckwheat cranberry orange pancakes. When Thatmom mentioned they piqued her interest also we decided we'd go halvies. I'd order these, she'd get the blueberry and we'd split them. I think the blueberry won out, although these were an interesting change of pace. I like the tartness and was feeling in kind of a cranberry mood on Saturday.

Thatbrother's Fajita Omlette. Apparently he wasn't aware it had chicken in it. UDubb tried to tell him he usually orders the same thing she gets, but I guess he felt like being a little "different" also. Notice the absence of fruit on his plate? I'm thinking that when you order an omlette filled with cheese and egg and a side of potato they assume you're probably not going to eat any fruit. Which is a shame, because Thatboy ate most of his, UDubb was sitting too far away, and I obviously couldn't steal any from Thatbrother.

After breakfast Thatbrother and UDubb headed to work and we walked around Laguna. We picked up some presents, hit up one of Thatmom's knitting shops, and browsed for most of the morning. Then it was errands the rest of the day.

A lot of my weekend cooking comes from magazines because I cook for Thatmom. Magazines mean she can look at a dish and let me know if it's something she'll eat, or something that looks good to her. She's not a great eater during the week, so I really concentrate on making things for her on the weekend. Last week I got the new issue of Bon Appetit and saw a recipe I knew she'd like: Shrimp Scampi with Green Onions and Orzo.

I was right. She liked it so much she didn't even put cheese on it - which is a HUGE thing for her. She puts cheese on everything. This one will definitely go into the rotation.

After a little trauma drama (because what weekend would be complete without) Thatbrother and UDubb came over so we could all watch Benjamin Button. Thatmom and I had been DYING to see it and the weeks surrounding it's release on the big screen were accompanied with a flurry of emails back and forth between the two of us. See, from the previews I was beyond confused. This movie looked like it was based on Andrew Sean Greer's The True Confessions of Max Tivoli, a book I had loved so much that as soon as I finished it, I bought copies for all my friends and Thatmom so they could read it too. Thatmom had emailed me asking if the movie was based on the book and I did a little research and all signs pointed to the fact that it was based on an F. Scott Fitzgerald story with the same premise. There are a number of articles written about the story/book/movie that we sent each other as soon as they turned up. So Thatmom and I read the short story - which (from the coming attractions) seemed to be completely unrelated to the movie. Except for the premise. Which again, was also the premise of Max Tivoli. AND the previews seemed much more similar to the book than the short story. With that background we watched the movie, which is nothing like either the book or the short story, except of course for the premise. Neither of us were a big fan of the whole "Katrina" aspect which we found unneccessary and once again, the book proved MUCH better than the movie. Even the short story was better if you're looking for a quick read.

Sunday, Mother's Day, had us heading up to the Cousins in LA. I am terrible with cousin designations - 1st, second, removals, ect. because in our family there is no designation. Everyone is just a "cousin" and we're close with all of them - no matter how related, or how far removed. Thatmom grew up with Repro and Knits almost as siblings, which is how she always considered them and we likewise grew up with their kids. Knits just moved out to California and since her son was visiting with his future family, Repro thought we should all meet in the middle, his house, for a little mother's day celebration.

Repro manned the grill. Salmon, burgers, hotdogs, and some of the best chicken you've ever had. I think everyone had some chicken, and those that didn't soon rushed over to remedy their mistake.

This was the indoor spread - as distinguished from the "grill spread" - as distinguished from the "outside spread." In other words, there was a ton of food. Obviously, I come by "cooking for an army" naturally.

We kinda segregated ourselves between the kids and the adults - with Thatmom sitting at the kids table. For most of us, it was the first time meeting First Wife. Her and First live across the country and are going to be married this fall. This is probably a good time to explain that her moniker is "First Wife" not because we expect First to marry someone else in the future, but because she's marrying First - the first grandchild in our family. Even though it's only by 2 months, he never let me forget he's the oldest. Coincidentally, he's also going to be giving us the first grandchild of the family when he marries since First Wife brings her adorable daughter into the mix. First calls them his "insta-family."

Because none of us is very smart, we followed our ginourmous meal with a little 3-on-3. I love this picture because it shows everyone...even though it's a little hard to make out Mustang there in the back, and Bass is doing his best to keep his eye on Thatbrother's "killer D." I think everyone ended up with an elbow or ball to the face at some point in time during the game, and Thatboy asked for a stopping point on numerous occasions. He's definitely getting old. And you can't see from this picture, but UDubb played in sandals. And she still managed to run circles around these guys. She's a definite rockstar.

I get by with a little help from my friends

Prez has this super-hero thing backwards. By night she's a mild mannered homebody who likes nothing more than curling up with a good book. But by day she transforms into a woman who is working on saving the world from cancer. Lately, Prez has been spending a great deal of time in Brazil spreading her good work there. This means it's been a looooooong time since I've seen her and we haven't really been able to get together due to the fact that when I'm in town she's out of the country and when she's in town I'm usually up with Thatmom.

About 2 weeks ago we figured out we were both going to be in town this week and we penned the occasion on our calendars (pen so it absolutely could not be changed). Spending last night with Prez reminded me how long it's been since I've had social contact with my friends and how desparately I was in need of it.

I showed up and Prez had a glass of wine in my hand almost instantly. By the time her boyfriend, Zorba, arrived home we had already finished a bottle. Prez knows me. Usually the two of us cook together, but I was more than happy to let Prez cover this one, so we caught up as she fixed us couscous with mustard basil chicken. "You do like couscous?" she asked as she confided that Zorba hates it and therefore she hardly ever gets the chance to make it. Good thing I adore couscous.

I love being with Prez because we definitely take turns monopolizing the conversation. We began with the "Thatgirl show" where I caught her up with all the ups and downs my life is made up of right now. Then I got to hear about her frustrations with Zorba and her time in Brazil. We took turns filling each other in on our families - one of Prez's sisters is the same age as Thatbrother and even went to the same college as him. We traded tales about mutual friends and gossiped about whether we'd be invited to a certain someone's wedding. Neither of us is counting on it, but it does ruin the Vegas trip Prez can't plan because it might coincide with a wedding event.

We made plans for each other's birthdays that we knew neither of us would attend. I do love that our friendship is at that level where we've accepted each other's schedules. I've been missing out on a lot of parties lately. Prez is tempted to celebrate her birthday at her parent's house which is not too far from Thatmom, but because it's on a weekend, I still wouldn't be able to make it. If she has it in San Diego I'm out for the exact same reason. On her birthday itself she's planning on going to Disneyland "because it's free," which means no drinks after work. I'm going to have to content myself with celebrating with her sometime that week. My birthday is going to pose much of the same problem, except for the fact that right around that time she'll be heading back to Brazil. I miss spending time with Prez and I wish we could do it more often. We set up a couple of double dates that we also will probably never make and I was on my way, feeling better than I had in a long time.

Reflections on the past

This morning I ran into an old "friend" on my way in to work. The two of us worked together as law clerks and were involved in the same after school activities, but we weren't really very close. We spent a brief few moments catching up, including her recent engagement to an old co-worker of mine. For some reason seeing her made me think about the different paths our lives had taken. It also brought out all my insecurities. Seeing people from the past can do that to you. I wondered what she was going to say about me to our classmates who she keeps in touch with, or her fiance. Which is silly, and a bit egotistical since I'm sure seeing me was hardly a blip on her register, but all the same it's hard to shake that nagging feeling that people are talking about you.

Fittingly, today we spent our Tuesday lunch at the Museum of Natural History, looking back in time. The neatest thing about this museum is that it really features the history of San Diego. It's crazy to think that at one point in time there were zebras, mastedons, and dinosaurs that lived where I lived during law school....well, right by where I live. I don't think my complex was around back then.

I think there's some sort of rule that a Natural History Museum has to have a giant dinosaur in the main entrance. It's written in the "So you want to open a Natural History Museum" guidebook. Right after the chapter entitled "Do or Diorama"

The water exhibit had a demonstration where you used your physical strength to power a faucet. Check out the stream of water this kid has going!

Thatboy had to get in on the action - but notice the decidedly smaller stream of water. Kinda embarassing don't you think? Sure would't want to be married to that guy...oh...wait...


I've heard that there are whales to be sighted in San Diego. In the past five years I have yet to see one. I guess they hang out when I'm not around. Thatboy used to see them in college on his way to the beach for surfing. Frankly I don't think I'd get into the water after spotting a whale in there. I have a hard enough time understanding how he can surf just a couple feet from dolphins. I mean, sure I hear they're friendly and I'm thrilled to bits to watch them from the shore - but those things are PURE MUSCLE and I'm not quite sure that they understand that "play" might also mean "kill" in certain circumstance.


This is probably only funny to a very select few. Let me put it this way - Thatboy was NOT amused, but I couldn't help myself. I decided that I should quit my job and pursue a career as a magnetic poet.


Thatboy insisted that this was a mystery animal. Even though the sign identified it as Harlan's Ground Sloth. This guy lived in San Diego...back when he lived. Now the ground sloth has gone the way of the dodo, the saber tooth tiger, and the unicorn. All we've got now are tree sloths, and the only ones that live in San Diego are the ones in the zoo.

Thatboys work anxieties as well as the big decision I'm currently facing prompted a discussion as to whether we would have made the same choices if we had to do it all over again. We talked about decisions we had made and the impact they've had on our lives, but we also looked to the future and the choices we'll make to ensure we don't become overwhelmed by those decisions. It was a pretty productive lunch. I like to leave Thatboy with some positive thoughts since he tends to get bogged down by the negative fairly easily.

And since I like to leave you with some positive thoughts too I'll share with you an interesting tidbit I learned about Thatboy's typical workday. Thatboy's office isn't in a typical office building. Instead, they work in a house, with each office being a different "room." It makes for a very interesting workplace as Thatboy's office has a beautiful bay window...which apparently looks into a brothel. Thatboy informed me tonight on our way home that he thinks the house next to him pays young women to live there and film themselves in sexual acts. Apparently on more than one occasion he's looked over to see young women making out with each other while watching a computer screen and changing positions accordingly. Today the girls weren't wearing pants - just shirts and underwear. I asked Thatboy how he was able to work if he was spending his days oogling half dressed women and he admitted that they "make it very hard to concentrate" on work. Yeah...I bet. Well, at least now I have an explanation if Thatboy is ever late picking me up on carpool days.

Running Around

So our brilliant plan to get Thatmom down to San Diego didn't work out so well, so on Friday night we once again headed up to her. We have a pretty standard routine that involves us eating a quick meal while we discuss our plans for the weekend, then the three of us curling up on the couch and watching Dollhouse. I think Thatmom watches it because she thinks Thatdad would have liked it, the same reason we watch Castle on Monday nights. It makes me so sad that he never got to see any of these shows. He was such a television fiend - which I attribute to the fact that he never got to watch tv growing up. His father died when he was 7 and he started working shortly after. Their brand new house now has a television in every room, so he never had to miss out.

On Saturday morning we were up at the crack of dawn as usual. Thatboy needed a haircut, so we all headed in to Orange for Breakfast at Watsons.

My boring ole eggs. Really, all I wanted was the biscuits...


Thatboy's eggs and bacon. You can see they are more than generous with the potatoes here.


Thatmom's super healthy eggwhites and fruit.


Thatboy is slightly less healthy. He actually had this chocolate ice cream soda BEFORE breakfast arrived. Good thing we were with my mom and not his.

Then Thatmom and I ran some errands while Thatboy got his hair done. After we headed over to AAA for some title changes and registration renewals. That place is a zoo on Saturdays! Thatbrother and UDubb took a break from their constant studying to meet us at the movies where we saw The Soloist. All of us really wanted to see it, and it didn't disappoint. Thatmom loves movies that provoke discussion and afterwards we got into a great one about homlessness and mental health. Thatmom's background with medical compliance and my own research on legal rights of the mentally ill added a layer that I don't think Thatboy was prepared to deal with. As Thatmom said, it's probably very difficult for him on the weekends to be surrounded by women telling him what to do. Of course we had to stop off at Red Mango to try out their new flavor, Tangomonium. They were giving out a free smalls with 1 topping on Saturday and there was no way I was going to miss free Red Mango! And because Thatmom is allergic to mangos and no one who worked there seemed to know what was in this new flavor, they gave her a free pomegranate yogurt instead.

I thought the new flavor was alright, and maybe good for a change of pace, but it was starting to be a little sweet for me, veering more toward the regular kind of frozen yogurt. And I don't blame the employees for not knowing what flavor it is, we had a hard time pinpointing it too. I kept getting peach and pineapple. Thatboy thought it might be passionfruit and pineapple. It's billed as being citrusy.....I think it would actually be pretty good swirled with the original.

We went back to the house and I whipped up some more jambalaya before Thatboy and I piled back in the car and headed home.

This morning I woke up extra early for my first race in months. In general I like to run every month, it's exciting and I like the adrenaline rush. Plus I like having short goals so I can feel a sense of accomplishment. But between traveling for the holidays and the blur that has been the past few months I haven't been able to take part in any events. Last June I found out about the Race for Literacy 8K and I've been itching to do it ever since. I mean, how many 8ks do you know about? And this one is the second largest in the nation. I've really wanted to run it and I didn't want to wait till next year, so even though I've been woefully out of commission because of my back I figured I should run anyway. I mean, it's not even 5 miles - I can do that!

I really love the races in San Diego - the courses are always SO much fun. One of the reasons I wanted to do this run was because it's a Balboa Park run which are my favorite kind. I love running around the park and then they always close down a portion of the freeway for us to run on also. I love running on the freeway. I always wonder what the cars on the other side are thinking as they pass us. Because this run was longer than the typical Balboa Park 5ks, they also closed off most of downtown and we got to run on some of the main streets, which is also very fun. I love that the race doesn't double back on itself and there is always such neat scenery to see.

The first mile was really difficult for me. The first mile is usually the worst for me. It takes me a little bit to get into the rhythm and as anyone who has run with me can tell you - I have pace issues. I run WAY too fast in the beginning, keeping pace with whoever is beside me. When I hit the first mile marker and realized how quickly I had done it, I made myself slow down. By the time I hit mile 2 I had found my stride and from then on it just felt good. When I was at 3.4 miles I realized I really sell myself short by only running 3 miles in the morning, so I think I'm going to start upping that.

My only regret is that I ended up running it faster than I thought I was. I was counting on being pretty slow since before last week it had been about a month since I last ran so I created an 8K playlist that was an hour long, with the most high energy songs towards the end when I thought I might need them. But I finished before my playlist, so I didn't get to hear all my songs! I made Thatboy listened to those songs on the way home as I sang into the banana he greeted me with at the end of the race.

We decided to take it pretty easy for the rest of the day, so we went home so I could shower and then headed out to breakfast at Crepes and Corks. We were feeling like a French breakfast and the best one isn't open on Sundays so Crepes and Corks is a good substitute. It's small and filled with locals at tables of varying heights. It's also close to our place which makes me happy. I love the selection of drinks - arranciata anyone? I like a protein heavy meal after a race, and Thatboy didn't get a banana and had been up for almost as long as me so he would have eaten just about anything.

Thatboy's bacon, egg, and cheese crepe. Anyone noticing a trend here with bacon and eggs? I think Thatboy would live off of bacon if I'd let him.

My ham and brie crepe, that's basalmic vinegar drizzled on top. The ham was salty, the brie was sweet, and I ate the WHOLE thing - which is pretty unusual for me. But I also don't usually run 8ks. We brought home one of their fantastic red velvet cupcakes and curled up on the couch together. We watched a movie, took a nap, and did a little online shopping for Thatneice and one of my many babies to be born in the next few months.

And for those of you who run, I'll share with you my 8k playlist...at least the portion that I actually used.

• You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse (I thought this would help my pace start slow...it didn't)
• Bad Things - Jace Everette
• Ohio (Come Back To Texas) - Bowling for Soup (Now we're starting to pick up the pace)
• Perfect Situation - Weezer
• Short Skirt and Long Jacket - Cake
• This is How We Do It - Montell Jordon
• Last Name - Carrie Underwood (When this song came on I was just hitting the freeway and it gave me a surge of energy)
• Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps - Cake
• Wake Up Call - Maroon 5
• Paralyzer - Finger Eleven (Best line? I wanna make you move/because you're standing still)
• Stronger - Kanye West (Best line? That that don't kill me/can only make me stronger/I need you to hurry up girl/cause I can't wait much longer)
• How Far We've Come - Matchbox 20
• Los Angeles is Burning - Bad Religion
• A Friendly Goodbye - Bowling for Soup
• Pain - Jimmy Eat World (What a great song to finish to. I usually put this somewhere in the middle of my playlist, but it ended up being the song I crossed the line. It's true, it really does "take my pain away.")

I got nothing

Today was pretty blahhhhhhhh. Did a little work, picked up some groceries, and heated up some leftovers. We'll be in front of the tv for the rest of the evening and while I'm sure you all would be RIVETED by me liveblogging through Parks and Recreation I don't think it would be my most productive use of time. After all, Thatdog has destroyed another teddy bear which means I need to spend my precious commercial time vacuuming.

Instead I'll leave you with some vital updates from the world around you.
1) The trailer for Julie and Julia is out!!!! I'm VERY excited about this. See, in general I am sorely disappointed in books turned into movies. From Jurassic Park to In Her Shoes. The books are always so much better. And I really loved this book. I connected with the Buffy watching, apartment cooking, blogging heroine and connecting to a character makes or breaks a book for me. I have no doubt that the movie won't be as good as the book, but I still think this movie is going to be PHENOM! Thatmom and I spent a good portion of an evening a few weeks ago waxing philosophic about how wonderful Meryl Streep was. And her and Amy Adams already proved how well they work together in Doubt (which is every bit as wonderful as the play). Speaking of which - anyone else notice that Amy Adams is the "it" girl of the year? She never stops working!



2)Continuing on my "books turned into movies" trend - I took Laura's advice to look up the book "Stardust" and imagine my surprise that it's written by the same guy who wrote "Coraline"...which is the movie we saw instead of "Confessions of a Shopaholic" another book turned movie I wanted to see. But back to the story. So it turns out that they're making a musical of Coraline! It opens next week in New York. And the music is all by Stephin Merrit!!! You don't know who Stephin Merritt is? I'll give you a little taste.



I hope that it does really well and gets picked up and then goes on a national tour!!!!

3)My fun legal fact of the day comes from a case I read - who says judges are out of touch with reality? "When anger and alcohol intersect, unfortunate results can ensue."

I got an email from my dad yesterday -

except obviously it wasn't from him. It was a forward from my mom, from his email address, but nevertheless my heart jumped to my throat when I saw it. Realistically I know it can't be from him, yet somehow there is still that feeling of hope that maybe in some miraculously way it is. That I'll open it up and feel his humor and warmth. Thatmom and I joke about what kind of message he would send if he had access to the mail system or email, but in reality neither of us is really sure what he would say if he had the chance. Seeing an email from him is a reminder all over again of how I won't be getting his quick notes checking in on me because he hasn't heard from me for a day or two.

I've been incredibly stressed, anxious, and irritable this week, so I decided this evening would be a good time to pamper myself a little bit. Especially since Thatboy was going surfing with one friend and then out for drinks with another, leaving me the evening to myself. First stop was Bloomies for the Lancome bonus. I picked up some new mascara I was in DESPARATE need of (I swear by the Definicils high definition) and I got all these goodies!:

(That's a pretty summer tote - perfect for the beach or pool, sunglasses, Crème Radiance Clarifying Cream-to-Foam Cleanser, Eye Shadow Quad, Virtuose Mascara, High Résolution Refill-3X Anti-Wrinkle Cream SPF 15, and Juicy Tubes Lip Gloss!)

Then it was off to the nail salon for a mani-pedi. The last pedicure I remember getting was in September, and while I'm better about manicures it has still been quite a few weeks and I more than needed it. I went suitably dark and moody on my toes - OPI's Lincoln Park After Dark which I discovered this summer - and am probably the last person on Earth to make that discovery. Thatboy HATES it because it's so dark. I can't be quite as dark on my nails though, so in my typical mutipersonality way I stuck with a nice neutral - Essie's Limo-scene. I love it because it looks white in the bottle, but on my nails it's a nice pale pink that looks just a little cleaner than natural.

I got home JUST in time for Top Model and since I obviously can't be distracted from that I needed something quick for dinner. I had found a package of Lipton Spanish Rice in the pantry the other day when I was fishing around for tomato paste - I have no idea how long that's been there, but it sounded just perfect for tonight. I added some garlic, tomatoes, onion, bell pepper and smoked turkey sausage and set it to simmer while the show started. By the time they started blurring out the pieces of models that were not covered by the itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikinis, dinner was served! Have I told any of you lately how much I LOVE turkey sausage? I cut it up and throw it in our lunches, toss it into pasta, with rice - it's my favorite precooked meat. AND you will all be very pleased to hear I refrained from overspicing this time - I don't think my digestive system is loving me right now. Either that or it could be the swine flu.........

Fun Legal Fact of the day: If you give a man money to buy a house for the two of you because he says he's going to marry you and he turns out to already be married and refuses to give you your money back you CAN bring a lawsuit against him.

Last night I dreamt of pirates and cupcakes...

But not Somalia pirates...my pirates include the kind played by Robert DeNiro in Stardust. In fact it was Robert DeNiro...except his name was Angie. And if you haven't seen that movie yet - you're missing out. It makes me very happy. I like fairy tales. Princess Bride is one of my favorite movies and this is along the same lines.

Even with dreams of pirates and cupcakes my day started out VERY hectic. Today was a carpool day. Thatboy and I are so green that days where he doesn't go surfing after work we carpool. And today we had a date planned which means a free ride to work for me! But it also means I have to get my butt in gear in the mornings because Thatboy leaves for work earlier than I do.

Tuesdays are also our museum days. On Tuesdays we meet for lunch at Balboa Park and go to a museum. I love Balboa Park. Sometimes we meet for lunch there and just walk around the trails and gardens, but Tuesdays are culture days. Today we headed to the San Diego Automotive museum. I forgot my camera at home, so I'll just paint you a picture. The museum has some really cool cars. You don't realize how big cars used to be back in the "early days" of automotives. And the early cars were all convertibles. I was definitely born in the wrong era. In the back are motorcyles - the early ones were much more similar to bikes than cars. And right now there's a hot rod exhibit - there is no way you could ever get me in one of those things. I wouldn't even drive Thatmom's mini without sending up multiple prayers for my well being. At one point in time Thatboy got really excited.

TB: Now THIS is a sexy car.
TG: Really? What makes it so sexy? Just because it's a convertible jag? Does it look like something Bond would drive?
TB: No! Look at it! Look at the lines, the curves - it looks like the lower half of a woman's body.

And then I saw it. And my mouth dropped open. And I laughed SO hard that the woman beside me started laughing and I'm not even sure she heard Thatboy and I pray her small children didn't hear him. Do you see it? Fear not if you don't, it just means you don't have the mind of a thirteen year old boy.

For our dinner tonight Thatboy and I headed to our favorite local Italian restaurant. On Tuesdays and Thursdays they do half price bottles of wine....and a bottle of wine goes a looooong way with me. (Apparently it goes a long way with Thatboy too since he just told me I spelled dreamt wrong...I'm missing the p......yup, he thinks it's spelled dreampt.....and he keeps insisting I check the dictionary)

Tonight we went with a Super Toscana which is a chianti like wine, but MUCH smoother than chianti. Thatboy likes the finish - after you're done with your sip it's not done with you. It's a very full bodied red.

I'm SO boring when I go to my favorite restaurants. I always get the same thing once I find my favorite. Here it's the gnocchi. Sometimes it's light and fluffy, sometimes it's dense (like a matzah ball according to Thatboy), but it's always good.

Thatboy is more adventurous. Tonight he had the penne with peas and pancetta. He was more than pleased informing me he had made a good choice. I had a bite (you can't blame me right?) and it was good and salty and cheesey - two of my favorite food qualities.

Afterwards we grabbed some sushi from the fantastic sushi place next door for lunch tomorrow. It's half off in the evenings which means delicious and cheap!

By the way, I learned today that San Diego is one of the top 11 best-hair cities in the country - so I really have no excuse for having no control over this mop on top of my head.

Weekend Update

What's cute about this picture? Thatdog is on TMD's bed, and TMD is on Thatdog's bed. Sharing's nice.

On Friday morning I snuggled into the car seat as Thatboy drove us to work, thinking how nice it was going to be to take a little nap on the way up to Thatmom's house that evening. Then I remembered - I was going to be driving - grrrr. Thatboy had a hearing on Monday morning so we were taking two cars up and I was going to get to come home myself on Sunday night. It was no consolation that I got to have Thatdog as my companion. He's not very good company in the car - spending most of the time sleeping. The only thing that makes it a bit better is that he manages to contort himself into the strangest, most uncomfortable looking positions. Next time I drive up with him I'm going to try to snap a picture.

Saturday we had discussed going up to the LA Festival of books. It's something Thatmom has enjoyed going to in the past, but that was back when she had a faculty parking permit making parking a breeze. She was having mixed feelings about going, since it was something she always did with Thatdad. Then she started having sympathy pains in her back. Thatmom and I are so connected that whatever ails me, also ails her. So we decided to skip out on the festival so we could run errands and go see a movie. We saw Sunshine Cleaning which was so much better than I'd heard. The reviews compared it to Little Miss Sunshine and were disappointed in the movie. As for me, I wasn't a huge fan of Little Miss Sunshine to begin with and going in with low expectations definitely helped. Amy Adams and Emily Blunt were adorable and dysfunctional and the little boy who played Adams' son was adorable. Thatmom remarked that he looked like Thatdog in human form. We came home and I got to work at making dinner - grilled shrimp fajitas. After dinner Thatbrother and UDubb went back to work and we settled in to watch Grey Gardens. What an interesting story. Thatmom is beyond fascinated and has already added the documentary to her blockbuster que. She also believes Drew Barrymore deserves an Oscar for her performance. We spent the rest of the weekend making references to the movie and the bizarre relationship between Edith and Edie Beale.

Sunday we all got together for breakfast - I am becoming well adept at cooking for 5. Then I went for a run again. It's been a while since I could run because of my back, but I get so antsy when I don't. If you run, you'll understand how good it feels your first day back. I ran for over 7 miles which is the longest run I've done in a while. In general I run 3 miles a day, 5 days a week, but the first day back, I always feel like I could run forever. Thatboy got me a cute pink waterbelt for Valentine's Day and I hadn't had the opportunity to test it out yet. The rest of the day was more "around the house" chores until it was time to get dinner ready. It was a request from Thatmom, her favorite of my recent cooking - grilled chicken with avocado salsa and honeyed corn bread. Then it was back in the car with Thatdog and on the road.

This morning I went back to my 3 miles. I brought my usual running partner with me - Thatdog. I had left him out Sunday because I didn't want the extra strain on my back. This morning I realized that as much as I love the company, sometimes it's nice to run without him. Especially when he gets into one of his moods. This morning as we approached the trail behind my place where we run I noticed a power walker. The man was older, stoop shouldered and moving his arms and hips back and forth as he heel-toed it. Thatdog wasn't quite sure what to make of it, and since Thatboy takes on a similar position when he's playing "creepy scary chasey guy" around our place I think it spooked Thatdog. He began barking at this man like he was going to eat him - my sweet little dog! I knew he wouldn't do anything to the man, but the man didn't know that and he hightailed it in the other direction. How embarrassing!

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful - I only had one tearful moment in my office which is a vast improvement over this weekend. By the end of the day my legs were feeling all 10 miles over the past two days and so Thatboy ran me a bath to soak. We've been doing a ton of "accidently on purpose" spicy food lately and tonight was no different. Last week I accidently over red-pepper flaked our chili, and tonight I realized I had bought the extreme spicy version of enchilada sauce. Good thing we like spice. Thatboy said these enchiladas are the best I've ever made. But oh so messy!

For those who've hung in there

Everyone kept telling me it would get worse before it got better. I was dismissive. To begin with, they were all talking about Thatmom, and my need to be there for her. The words were ominous in tone, a foreboding warning. But I also didn't believe it could get worse. How could things get any darker? How could my grief ever surpass the pain I felt at the hospital? The instant loss, the learning to be without. Things could only get easier.

And then about two weeks ago, it hit me. Unexpectedly, without warning. It was as if the curtain had risen letting the theater of my life begin. Since then, there hasn't been a day without tears. I find myself crying in public at inopportune times. Just last week the mere sound of Thatmom's voice on the phone broke me down in a matter of seconds.

I remember the days after the funeral as a blur and, with one very specific exception of a hysterical breakdown in Macys, oddly still waters. It wasn't that I didn't cry or grieve, but it was at appropriate times, or in conversations with Thatboy - remaining strong for the person who needed me most. I overheard Thatboy telling more than one of his friends that I was handling things "a little too well" and I felt frustrated. I didn't know any other way to handle them and I figured I'd get my own shot at dealing with my grief once I got Thatmom settled. But the weeks went by and although I had moments of sadness and tears, I was definitely functional - at an impaired level. I went through the motions, and did what was expected, things that had to be done. Then there was an improvement where I went above what had to be done. I went out, I cleaned the house.....and I honestly believed things were getting better. Which explains why I was so blindsided.

Thatmom sent me an article from Slate by Meghan O'Rourke: The Long Goodbye which I instantly connected with. The article was written in several installments following the death of the author's mom December 25. Although our situtations differ in that her mother lost the battle she had been facing with colorectal cancer, the feelings and emotions that she expresses are not diminished by the fact that she had weeks to say goodbye, instead of minutes with an unresponsive body.

"Since my mother's death, I have been in grief. I walk down the street; I answer my phone; I brush my hair; I manage, at times, to look like a normal person, but I don't feel normal. I am not surprised to find that it is a lonely life: After all, the person who brought me into the world is gone. But it is more than that. I feel not just that I am but that the world around me is deeply unprepared to deal with grief. Nearly every day I get e-mails from people who write: "I hope you're doing well." It's a kind sentiment, and yet sometimes it angers me. I am not OK. Nor do I find much relief in the well-meant refrain that at least my mother is "no longer suffering." Mainly, I feel one thing: My mother is dead, and I want her back. I really want her back—sometimes so intensely that I don't even want to heal. At least, not yet."

And the lit nut in me loves the analysis she does with Hamlet - a play centered around a son mourning his father. Ms. Rourke is a few months ahead of me in the grieving process and it's good to read that things will get better - although her clouds began lifting around 4 months, which means I have two more months of suffering ahead.

I mentioned in February that I wasn't exactly sure where this blog was going to be heading and I'm starting to get more of an idea. I'm going to go back to using the blog for "thoughts I feel like sharing." (I have a separate space for thoughts I don't feel like sharing) There are those who have expressed that they don't like the things I put on here when it starts getting personal, but I'm pretty sure a majority of them don't read this anymore, and I save my thoughts on them for that separate space. I will continue to post recipes and food - but probably not to the same extent I did before, which I know will lose me one reader for sure, and possibly others who aren't as vocal about the types of blogs they read. But at this time, it's useful for me to have a space for me - recounting day to day activities, feelings, thoughts, adventures (we're working on getting Thatmom to come down to San Diego next weekend if we can work something out with Thatbrother tonight at dinner). I'm hoping that I'll be able to see things in a more positive light if I'm able to take a step back from them as I write.

It's Me Again

What a weird turn these entries have taken. I know eventually I'll get back to cooking and showcasing meals from my kitchen, but I also know it won't be anytime soon. I definitely keep having that feeling that things aren't ever going to be the same, and frankly I'm not sure when things will ever be "normal" - my new schedule is so far from my normal schedule and shows no signs of ever returning that perhaps I just need a new definition of what normal is. I can't even remember what it was like to spend a weekend at home, not consumed with a million things to do for Thatmom.

In the past two weeks I've done so much better with socialization though. I even went out to lunch with H! I'm so lucky that we love the same restaurants - she suggested my favorite and I decided to take her up on it. Then I had a very short open opportunity where I was able to grab some coffee with K1 who luckily was able to deal with the incredibly short notice I'm reduced to these days. She informed me that I'm far too hard on myself and the things I'm feeling right now. She gave me permission to be passive aggressive and a mega bitch, but I'm still reluctant to follow through.

With every step forward though there is always a step back. Last weekend was not so great for my lower back and I spent most of Sunday crying and immobile as I grew faint and nauseous whenever I would stand. Muscular in nature there is very little I can do other than a consistent regiment of ibuprofen. I come home from work and the last thing I want to do is....pretty much anything. So I haven't been cooking, returning emails or phone calls, cleaning, any of the normal things people do. And this is SO not the week for ailment! We've been carpooling to work so that we can leave straight after for far reaching destinations. Thatboy has taken over driving which is a plus, but attending seders in LA and Orange County in the evening means we're spending a lot of time in the car, and not so much time sleeping. And since he's gone to his parents this weekend I got to make the drive up to OC all by myself. Well, that's not quite true. Thatdog is one heck of a navigator! I'm very much looking forward to his return this evening so he can go back to the heavy lifting and dog walking.

A brief update

So I've been back home for a few weeks now, although I'm still spending every weekend with Thatmom. When I was in college, my best friend's father killed himself. In the past few weeks, this friend has been a great support for me and kind of a mental health advisor. He told me that things would be easier for me once I got back home and back to my life. Maybe in a way it is easier - but in a way it's much much harder to be back among society. I'm feeling very isolated and disconnected and while I have been really forcing myself to return phone calls and emails, I haven't been doing any initiating. During the first couple of weeks when the phone calls and visits were frequent I promised my friends that I'd be calling them for support once I was back home, but now that I am, the last thing I want to do is call anyone.

At least I have been very active in the kitchen. As some of you may remember, Thatmom was never the cook in the family and making food isn't high on her list of priorities lately. So I spend all week making soup, soup, and more soup. Thatboy jokes we're on an "all soup all the time" diet. On the weekends I make elaborate meals with loads of leftovers for her to eat during the week - shrimp with white wine sauce, lasagna with homemade noodles, ravioli, roast chicken, five spice chicken, steak pizziola. She doesn't cook for herself at all, waiting for us to drive up on Friday nights after work so she doesn't have to eat alone.

And from the moment we arrive on Friday night there's a neverending, never shortening laundry list of things to be done. We're up at the crack of dawn and up late - so it's no wonder I'm exhausted by the time we get home Sunday night.

With all that, I do have to say that as anti-social as I'm feeling, there are a few bright spots. I told H this on the phone earlier tonight, but it's always good to broadcast how wonderful someone is on a international level. Every Sunday,without fail, H calls to check and see how my week has gone, and how I'm doing. Even when starting a new job, even while on the way to see her own mother in the hospital, H never fails to check in. Every week I promise to call her some time during the week with an update, and every week I fail her. And yet each weekend she never fails me. She is a phenomenal friend and human being.

And then there's my friend JackieO. She lives a few blocks from Thatmom and keeps offering to stop by with food, or take me out for coffee on the weekend. This weekend Thatmom's best friend flew in from across the country, finally giving me the opportunity to take JackieO up on her offer. So this morning we met for coffee and dished over each other's lives. It's been a long time since I've gone anywhere with anyone and it was a good break. She entertained me with stories of her work, family, and fabulous guy and took me out of myself for a little bit.

So thank you all for continuing to send me your thoughts, prayers, wishes, and stories - I'll keep trying to check in and eventually to break through the darkness that I'm feeling right now, I'm just not really sure when that will be.

Battered and torn still I can see the light

I've mentioned before that I am not the photographer in my marriage. Thatboy has been king of the f-stop since long before he met me, spending a great deal of time in the darkroom before finally seeing the light and going digital. (Did you get all the great wordplay in that last sentence?) On one of our first anniversaries (we just celebrated 9 dating years last week) he gave me a framed print of my favorite of his photos. Jealous, my mom requested one of his prints for herself. And that began many frequent requests for his work. According to Thatboy's framer (I have a butcher, he has a framer...that's the way our life works), once you start getting requests for your work you might want to consider taking the next step and going public. Today Thatboy and I headed home for his first art show. It was a bittersweet day since Thatdad was so excited for this show and was originally planning on attending with us.

Based on the quality of his photographic work, Thatboy had been chosen to take part in a juried art show. The show itself was mixed media and Thatboy was nervous as he set up his selections. "I think I'm the youngest one here," he told me. "Everyone else has other outlets where they sell or show their work. Some of them are already established in one medium, and are using this as an opportunity to try out a new one."

As the hours went by, Thatboy got more and more anxious. Finally the time came to get his results. The artists filed into the room. I watched as many of them filed back out again. Some with tears in their eyes. More and more came, but not Thatboy. I sent up a silent prayer. After what felt like forever Thatboy appeared with the biggest smile on his face. Not only had he received great scores, but he had earned himself a place to permanently show and sell his work. Thatdad would have been so proud. We both were crying as we thought about that on the way back to our cars.

So next time you're headed to San Diego, you'll have to drop me a line so I can tell you where to swing by and pick up a Thatboy original. And those of you who are lucky enough to already have one, they may finally be worth more than the paper they were printed on!

February Made Me Shiver*

The phone rang at 6:30 a.m.. By the time I had realized it wasn't the alarm it had already gone to voicemail. As I listened to the message, Thatboy was already calling in and taking the day off work. What followed was the longest drive of my life.

We reached the hospital just as they were about to begin surgery and we sat huddled in the waiting room. Thatmom filled in some of the gaps that had kept us so silent on our drive up. Just as they had done every morning for as long as I can remember, Thatparents awoke at 4:30 am and headed to the gym. At some point, someone ran up and told Thatmom that her husband had collapsed. By the time she reached his machine, CPR was already being performed. The paramedics were called and were able to revive Thatdad before transporting him to the nearest hospital. Because of Thatdad's ties to the police department, his close friend and coworker Sgt. G arrived to the hospital shortly after the ambulance did, trailed closely by the wife of Thatdad's closest friend, who also worked for the police department. Thatbrother was not far behind.

Another transport was necessary. This hospital didn't have a cardiac cath lab and something was going to have to be done regarding Thatdad's heart. He was moved to another hospital where the surgeons immediately got to work. The five of us sat waiting until his doctor came out. He explained that a graft that had been previously placed in Thatdad's heart had become occluded, causing the cardiac event. He was optomistic that they had solved the problem, although there was a great deal of damage to the heart wall. He told us that as soon as Thatdad was moved over to the ICU we could all come in and see him, although he was still under heavy sedation.

The minutes turned to hours during which every "Code Blue" dropped our group into silence, and although we received frequent updates from the nursing staff, we were eventually moved into a more private room with a social worker who gained us access to Thatdad's bedside. The hours passed and eventually it became clear that we would need to say our goodbyes. By that time, Thatcousin had arrived at the hospital, as well as Thatdad's best friend and our family rabbi. We were all able to gather around the bed and be there for his last moments.

The rest of the day is a blur of phone calls. What do you say after you tell someone your father died? The conversation can't really continue at that point. Especially since it was so sudden and unexpected. During the next few days arrangements were made and people started pouring in. From across the country in all directions friends and family booked the first plane ticket they could and began making their way. One couple, who had known Thatdad since high school, flew in directly from their vacation without stopping at home first.

On Tuesday, March 24, 2009, over 400 people gathered to say goodbye. He was a friend, a mentor, a teacher, a coworker. His wonder at life and joy for all things touched everyone around him, and his humor was infectious. As we gathered to remember the man, stories were told of his love for his family and friends, his adoration of his wife, his obsession with Hawaiian shirts, and his ability to make anyone smile. As we left the service we noted that the road had been closed off and the police were called in because of the sheer number of vehicles exiting and entering the parking lot. As we watched the crowd following the pallbearers at the cemetery, the cantor noted "it's as though they were leaving Egypt" in reference to the number of people. Thatdad was larger than life. You couldn't meet him without instantly losing a bit of your heart to him. Whether it was the teller at the bank, or the person in front of him at the supermarket he had a way of making friends very quickly. And no one wanted to miss their chance to say goodbye.

I write this to explain my absence, both past and future, because I'm not really sure where this blog will go from here. Thatbrother and I have temporarily moved in with Thatmom to deal with this difficult time. There is an influx of food being delivered to the house, which means there's not much cooking going on right now, although Thatboy brought up my pasta machine so we've been doing homemade sauce and fettuchine. Italian is Thatmom's comfort food.

I apologize for my lack of comments - I've started catching up on the blogs I've missed, but am having trouble coming up with anything to say, or a desire to communicate in general. So know that I'm reading, even if I'm not the frequent commenter I once was.

I'd also like to thank many of you for the phone calls, the emails, the stopping in to check on us. I know I've thanked you each individually, but you deserve a big group hug in addition.

Thatdad (October 7, 1954-February 20, 2009)

*A long, long, time ago
I can still remember
how the music, used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
that I could make those people dance
and maybe, they'd be happy for a while.

But February made me shiver
with every paper I'd deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn't take one more step.

I can't remember if I cried
when I read about his widowed bride,
but something touched me deep inside,
the day the music died.
-Don McLean, American Pie