So I've been back home for a few weeks now, although I'm still spending every weekend with Thatmom. When I was in college, my best friend's father killed himself. In the past few weeks, this friend has been a great support for me and kind of a mental health advisor. He told me that things would be easier for me once I got back home and back to my life. Maybe in a way it is easier - but in a way it's much much harder to be back among society. I'm feeling very isolated and disconnected and while I have been really forcing myself to return phone calls and emails, I haven't been doing any initiating. During the first couple of weeks when the phone calls and visits were frequent I promised my friends that I'd be calling them for support once I was back home, but now that I am, the last thing I want to do is call anyone.
At least I have been very active in the kitchen. As some of you may remember, Thatmom was never the cook in the family and making food isn't high on her list of priorities lately. So I spend all week making soup, soup, and more soup. Thatboy jokes we're on an "all soup all the time" diet. On the weekends I make elaborate meals with loads of leftovers for her to eat during the week - shrimp with white wine sauce, lasagna with homemade noodles, ravioli, roast chicken, five spice chicken, steak pizziola. She doesn't cook for herself at all, waiting for us to drive up on Friday nights after work so she doesn't have to eat alone.
And from the moment we arrive on Friday night there's a neverending, never shortening laundry list of things to be done. We're up at the crack of dawn and up late - so it's no wonder I'm exhausted by the time we get home Sunday night.
With all that, I do have to say that as anti-social as I'm feeling, there are a few bright spots. I told H this on the phone earlier tonight, but it's always good to broadcast how wonderful someone is on a international level. Every Sunday,without fail, H calls to check and see how my week has gone, and how I'm doing. Even when starting a new job, even while on the way to see her own mother in the hospital, H never fails to check in. Every week I promise to call her some time during the week with an update, and every week I fail her. And yet each weekend she never fails me. She is a phenomenal friend and human being.
And then there's my friend JackieO. She lives a few blocks from Thatmom and keeps offering to stop by with food, or take me out for coffee on the weekend. This weekend Thatmom's best friend flew in from across the country, finally giving me the opportunity to take JackieO up on her offer. So this morning we met for coffee and dished over each other's lives. It's been a long time since I've gone anywhere with anyone and it was a good break. She entertained me with stories of her work, family, and fabulous guy and took me out of myself for a little bit.
So thank you all for continuing to send me your thoughts, prayers, wishes, and stories - I'll keep trying to check in and eventually to break through the darkness that I'm feeling right now, I'm just not really sure when that will be.