When Thatboy first met me, one of the things he was really impressed with was my self-confidence. But between you and I, it was just an act. I've never been terribly self-confident. I mean, I'm aware that there are somethings I do very well, but it's very easy to put those things up against the things I feel I'm lacking in and find that negative column outweighs the positive.
I've never been confident, or happy, with my body. And I don't say this coming from a place where I eventually reached some sort of inner peace with that. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis. And it doesn't help that when Thatboy told his parents we were getting married, his mom told him she thought he would end up with someone thinner. Or that she has always served me half portions of food when we visit. But I can't blame her, it just reinforces the inner voice I already hear that tells me I'm not good enough, thin enough, or pretty enough (because all those things are really the same complaint when your self-talk isn't great.)
Last year I joined my girlfriends in the Global Sports Bra Running Day and it re-emphasized a point I already knew - that no matter how beautiful we think another woman is, she often has the same insecurities. As a sex, we have a very hard time recognizing and appreciating ourselves. And stripping down to our sports bras, in the company, and with the support of friends, really helps. It doesn't wave a magic wand and make you feel beautiful, but you feel safe. Safer.
So when the call went out to do it again this year - I did. I met up with a group of beautiful women, took off my shirt, took a picture...and promptly put my shirt back on.
But in a step up from last year, I did do part of the run in just a sports bra - not a long part, but a part nonetheless. And while it was a far step outside my comfort zone, nothing terrible happened. It wasn't world changing. It didn't change my view of myself or the outside world, but it was a step. A step toward the recognition that although none of us are happy with the way we look, we are all our own worse critics.
It's so crazy: men run without shirts all the time (regardless of how their upper body looks) but we are all so self-conscious about baring just our stomachs. And you are a badass runner woman, too, so imagine how women who are just dipping their toes into getting physically active must feel. How many women are running in this crazy heat wearing a big, baggy, cotton shirt just because they have been so traumatized by diet culture that they can't face the idea of people staring at their bare stomachs?!? (Spoken as one who just cringed my way through my Sunday morning run through the neighborhood in a tank top; bare arms are rough, too.)
ReplyDeleteGo you!! Mike always thought it was crazy that I would refuse to run in just a sports bra...but it was always just way out of my comfort zone. i think maybe I did run in one once when I was CRAZY skinny (like, actually anorexic) but then I got weirdly hit on by some guy and it freaked me out so I never did it again.
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