2 weeks ago, one of my childhood friends lost her fight against cancer. It was, as would be expected, very upsetting for me. And I did my best to keep my sorrow from my children, as an unnecessary burden they need not shoulder.
But sometimes we don't have the luxury of keeping death from them. When Thatkid was 19 months old, TFIL died. He attended his first funeral before he reached the age of two. Of course, at 19 months, there wasn't much to explain or discuss with him.
But when he was 3, my grandmother died. And a month later, my cousin died. By then, he was old enough to understand. To an extent. Do any of us REALLY understand death? He was, at least, old enough to ask questions and to try and formulate thoughts regarding funerals and the inability to see someone again.
Discussions of death aren't really something most of us prepare for. When you have children, you know at some point you will need to sit them down and talk to them about the "birds and the bees" but we never really think about the fact we will also need to talk to them about death.
My own experiences definitely color my own views of death. When I was 3 years old, my babysitter was in a car accident and died. That same year, a child in my preschool died. And a year later, my grandfather died. Before I was 6, I'd been to more funerals than many people had in their lifetime. So for me, I felt like I understood the best way to talk to Thatkid, because I had been in his shoes before.
I don't think there's a right or wrong way to have this discussion, so take my "dos" and "don't" with a grain of salt. They're not gospel, just things I found helpful.
DO tailor the discussion to the child's age/ability. Like I mentioned above, we didn't feel the need to have any discussion with Thatkid before he was two. And the way we spoke about it with him at 3 would not be the way we would have discussed it with him when he was older.
DON'T blame death on old age entirely. This is a really common thing. And it is easy to fall back on, because death is a big thing children fear. Especially involving their parents. And it's comforting to reassure them that you're not going to die for a long long long long time. I stumbled upon this advice inadvertently. My grandmother died from suspected lung cancer, so when she died, we told Thatkid it was because she got really sick, instead of blaming her age. And when my 30 year old cousin died the following month, I realized I was glad I hadn't told him that grandma died because she was old.
DO let them lead the conversation. No need to bring up issues they haven't even thought of yet. For Thatkid, the three big concerns, all of which are really related to each other, were "What makes people die?" " "What happens after you die?" and the fear that Thatboy and I were going to die. There's no right or wrong answer to these, and your own personal beliefs and experiences will color your answers, but this is how we handled it:
- What makes people die? We told Thatkid that you die when the body stops working. There are three main reasons the body stops working - it gets too broken, too sick, or too old. This led to a whole host of discussions about how the body works, how blood works, how blood gets outside the body and a lot of other biology questions, but as I stated above, we let him lead those conversations and answered as honestly and age appropriately as we could.
- What happens after you die? We told Thatkid that nobody knows for sure what happens after you die, because once you die, you don't come back and tell people. So lots of people have ideas about what happens, and those ideas make those people feel better. We talked about heaven, about reincarnation, about ghosts and the afterlife, and that some people just believe that nothing happens after you die. And we told him that whatever makes him feel good, that's what he should believe.
- Fear of death. I really think this is the crux of death conversations with kids. And maybe not just kids. As I stated above, we told him that you die when the body stops working, but we also told him the body is really really really good at fixing itself. That's why he has been sick, or hurt himself, and was still perfectly healthy today. We told him that we all try to take really good care of ourselves, to help stay healthy - making good food choices, not running across the street, driving carefully, taking medicine when we get sick - all the kinds of things that help keep us alive for a long long long long time.
I won't lie, Thatkid was preoccupied with death for a good long time after those back to back funerals, and all the questions. But I think that's probably true for a lot of subjects with young children. And in the intervening years when death has hit close to home, he seems to have less concerns and questions.
Showing posts with label mommy mondays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mommy mondays. Show all posts
Monday, February 18, 2019
Monday, February 11, 2019
Mommy Mondays: In the Night
Mommy Mondays have been a little quiet around here - which goes along with the fact that having a second child means you've already dealt with anything they can throw at you, but also because Thatkid is getting to the age where I'm trying to respect his privacy by not sharing "stories that aren't mine." He doesn't need his issues memorialized on the internet where everything lasts forever.
However, lately in my own corners of the internet I've seen certain issues that keep popping up, and certain advice that keeps circulating which is not of the true or helpful variety. So without going into too much detail about why I have become an expert on the topic in the past year, I thought I would share some stuff I've learned in the hopes that maybe it'll help another mother out - which was always the goal of these Mommy Mondays to begin with.
So let's talk about wetting the bed or enuresis. We've had a very unusual path in this department, that no one I know has gone through, so if you think your child is doing something weird - I'm here for you and happy to share more details privately. This has happened to me once and I know that mom was so thankful that someone got where she was coming from.
There are 2 types of enuresis: primary and secondary.
Almost everyone you know (and probably even you!) has experienced primary enuresis. That's your typical "I'm not quite potty trained" bedwetting. When they're great during the day when they're aware they have to go, but not so great when they're asleep. Secondary enuresis is when your child, who hasn't had an accident in years, starts suddenly wetting the bed. There's always a medical cause for that, so if that's going on, contact your pediatrician. Today, we're just going to focus on primary enuresis - which affects more children. (Although, as before, if you're dealing with secondary enuresis and want to chat - I'm here for you.)
Lately I've been hearing so many moms complaining about this, and asking for how to "night train" or how to get their child to stop doing this. And then comes all the really really really bad advice.
So let me break this down for you.
There is no such thing as "night training." Primary enuresis is completely not within anyone's control. Not yours, not your child's. It's controlled by hormones. That's right. Pesky little hormones.
Anti-Diuretic Hormone (ADH) is the hormone that regulates urination. At night, the brain increases this hormone which slows down urine production, for most of us to a complete stop. Which is why most of us are able to sleep through the night without getting up to pee. But, like most hormones, this one doesn't kick in right away. And it doesn't kick in for everyone at the same time. So for some children, this hormone starts regulating urine production at 3, and for others maybe not until 13.
What does all this mean? That means that until this hormone kicks in, nothing you do is going to stop your child from urinating at night. No praise, no reward, no punishment. They physically cannot stop themselves from urinating.
And let's talk about the most famous advice out there - "Just limit their liquid intake in the evenings." I'm including this part because I've been lucky enough to get to visit with a pediatric urologist who told me this is the bane of his existence. He hates this advice, because not only is there no relation between limiting fluid and bedwetting, but because it can be really dangerous for kids. If your body is going to make urine at night, it's going to be using whatever fluid is in your body from the day, which you need! Kids especially need water because they're doing all that growing and learning. The doctor said that parents who do this often find it doesn't work, and then keep restricting liquid earlier and earlier, and kids are only awake for so many hours a day - again, needing water for their growing bodies during those waking hours.
The other advice that is oft given out that he hates? "Wake them to use the toilet before you go to bed." This actually trains your child to go at that specific time. Now remember how we talked about the fact the hormone doesn't kick in for some kids until they're teenagers? Well, in less you want to wake up your children for potentially years, you're pretty much guaranteeing a bedwetting at that exact time. Good times!
So what do you do? Wait it out. It will happen. Nighttime diapers, pullups, and all sorts of specialty underwear exist. Reassure your child that this is normal and will not last forever. And reassure yourself that this is normal and will not last forever!
However, lately in my own corners of the internet I've seen certain issues that keep popping up, and certain advice that keeps circulating which is not of the true or helpful variety. So without going into too much detail about why I have become an expert on the topic in the past year, I thought I would share some stuff I've learned in the hopes that maybe it'll help another mother out - which was always the goal of these Mommy Mondays to begin with.
So let's talk about wetting the bed or enuresis. We've had a very unusual path in this department, that no one I know has gone through, so if you think your child is doing something weird - I'm here for you and happy to share more details privately. This has happened to me once and I know that mom was so thankful that someone got where she was coming from.
There are 2 types of enuresis: primary and secondary.
Almost everyone you know (and probably even you!) has experienced primary enuresis. That's your typical "I'm not quite potty trained" bedwetting. When they're great during the day when they're aware they have to go, but not so great when they're asleep. Secondary enuresis is when your child, who hasn't had an accident in years, starts suddenly wetting the bed. There's always a medical cause for that, so if that's going on, contact your pediatrician. Today, we're just going to focus on primary enuresis - which affects more children. (Although, as before, if you're dealing with secondary enuresis and want to chat - I'm here for you.)
Lately I've been hearing so many moms complaining about this, and asking for how to "night train" or how to get their child to stop doing this. And then comes all the really really really bad advice.
So let me break this down for you.
There is no such thing as "night training." Primary enuresis is completely not within anyone's control. Not yours, not your child's. It's controlled by hormones. That's right. Pesky little hormones.
Anti-Diuretic Hormone (ADH) is the hormone that regulates urination. At night, the brain increases this hormone which slows down urine production, for most of us to a complete stop. Which is why most of us are able to sleep through the night without getting up to pee. But, like most hormones, this one doesn't kick in right away. And it doesn't kick in for everyone at the same time. So for some children, this hormone starts regulating urine production at 3, and for others maybe not until 13.
What does all this mean? That means that until this hormone kicks in, nothing you do is going to stop your child from urinating at night. No praise, no reward, no punishment. They physically cannot stop themselves from urinating.
And let's talk about the most famous advice out there - "Just limit their liquid intake in the evenings." I'm including this part because I've been lucky enough to get to visit with a pediatric urologist who told me this is the bane of his existence. He hates this advice, because not only is there no relation between limiting fluid and bedwetting, but because it can be really dangerous for kids. If your body is going to make urine at night, it's going to be using whatever fluid is in your body from the day, which you need! Kids especially need water because they're doing all that growing and learning. The doctor said that parents who do this often find it doesn't work, and then keep restricting liquid earlier and earlier, and kids are only awake for so many hours a day - again, needing water for their growing bodies during those waking hours.
The other advice that is oft given out that he hates? "Wake them to use the toilet before you go to bed." This actually trains your child to go at that specific time. Now remember how we talked about the fact the hormone doesn't kick in for some kids until they're teenagers? Well, in less you want to wake up your children for potentially years, you're pretty much guaranteeing a bedwetting at that exact time. Good times!
So what do you do? Wait it out. It will happen. Nighttime diapers, pullups, and all sorts of specialty underwear exist. Reassure your child that this is normal and will not last forever. And reassure yourself that this is normal and will not last forever!
Monday, October 22, 2018
Mommy Mondays: Fall Bucket List
I don't know about you guys, but I LOVE these bucket lists. We don't always get to everything on the list, but it's fun to sit down and brainstorm as a family about activities we want to do. Thatboy is already asking about our plans for winter activities. And it was 90 degrees on Saturday!
The only problem I run into, is that some of my favorite activities don't always fall on their appropriate season. Like apple picking is always done during the "summer" here, even though it is definitely a fall activity. And while Christmas falls in the winter, most Christmas activities happen in what is traditionally considered fall, based on the calendar. And this year? Channukah actually falls in the fall!
But I'll sit here, sipping my cider, dreaming of cooler weather and sharing the adventures we've had and plan on having for the rest of the "fall."
The only problem I run into, is that some of my favorite activities don't always fall on their appropriate season. Like apple picking is always done during the "summer" here, even though it is definitely a fall activity. And while Christmas falls in the winter, most Christmas activities happen in what is traditionally considered fall, based on the calendar. And this year? Channukah actually falls in the fall!
But I'll sit here, sipping my cider, dreaming of cooler weather and sharing the adventures we've had and plan on having for the rest of the "fall."
*Go Apple Picking
*Make Chili
*Drink apple cider
* Make pumpkin muffins
* Make candy corn
*Make creepy gingerbread houses
* Corn Maze!
* Go on a hayride
* Oktoberfest
*Go to a pumpkin patch
*carve jack-o-lanterns
* Go to Fall Festivals
* Read Halloween books
* Watch Halloween movies
*Brick or Treat at Legoland
* Listen to Halloween Playlists
* Visit a haunted ship
* Trick or Treat
*Dia de los Muertos Festivities
* Watch the Macy's Day parade
*Go see a movie on Thanksgiving
*Celebrate Thanksgiving
*Take family photos
You'll notice there's a decided lack of fun things like "go see beautiful fall leaves changing colors." Such is the tradeoff for living in California where fall marks wildfire (and arson fire) season because of the high heat, extreme dryness, and high hot winds. It's not my favorite tradeoff!
Monday, October 08, 2018
Mommy Mondays: Bowl-O-Rama
Thatkid's birthday fell on a Tuesday this year, so his actual birthday was a little uneventful. There was a doughnut for breakfast, presents, then school, then out for pizza for dinner.
The big celebration happened on Saturday - his bowling party.
Thatkid has been bowling two times in his whole life, but decided a couple months ago that what he really wanted for his birthday, was a bowling party.
Such a throwback to our childhoods! I can't even begin to count the number of bowling parties I went to when I was a child. He hasn't been invited to any bowling parties, so he's either right on the cusp of the resurgence, or they're just not a thing anymore.
But a bowling party sounds really easy - they don't even let you bring your own food (minus the cake) so all we had to do was show up! Of course I couldn't do nothing, so some bowling ball balloons were easy enough decor.
A couple little white dots on black plates and we were ready to go.
The big celebration happened on Saturday - his bowling party.
Thatkid has been bowling two times in his whole life, but decided a couple months ago that what he really wanted for his birthday, was a bowling party.
Such a throwback to our childhoods! I can't even begin to count the number of bowling parties I went to when I was a child. He hasn't been invited to any bowling parties, so he's either right on the cusp of the resurgence, or they're just not a thing anymore.
But a bowling party sounds really easy - they don't even let you bring your own food (minus the cake) so all we had to do was show up! Of course I couldn't do nothing, so some bowling ball balloons were easy enough decor.
And once the kids arrived, there was bowling.
And pizza.
And more bowling.
Lots more bowling.
Eventually I rounded all the kids up for some cake. And oh that cake.
Like last year, Thatkid requested I make his cake. Vanilla on the bottom, strawberry on the top. Purple frosting. 3 bowling balls stacked on top of each other on top of the cake, and 2 pins beside the balls. And bowling balls all along the sides of the cake.
I made a slight adjustment to his request, because 3 balls don't really balance well on top of each other when you're dealing with three dimensions and not just two.
After cake, the kids bowled a little more and then I gathered them once again to take some pictures and send them to the table to grab their favors.
We sent them home with bowling pin sippers, gutterball gumballs, and those black balls filled with bowling balls, each of which were filled with a bowling pin stress ball, socks, and a slap bracelet (super retro for a retro kind of party, no?)
And with that, they were on their way. We did a quick cleanup, and then we were on our way also! Thatkid had a great time with his friends and I think we're going to start seeing a lot more bowling parties from this group!
Monday, July 02, 2018
Mommy Mondays: Summer Bucket List
My bucket lists are always so...off. I blame the weird weather we have here in San Diego that means that "seasonal" things don't always happen in season. So by the time summer roles around, we've already got a big jump on things that would be quintessentially summer - like the fair, summer concerts, and waterparks. The same holds true for ice skating in the fall, or apple picking in the summer, so it's not just our spring ends early.
This year's summer bucket list is a bit of a cheat, since we have our whole summer almost already completely filled out. There are definitely some blank spaces though, so for some of these things are wishful thinking for what I hope to fill those days with. Because you know us, we're never idle.
This year's summer bucket list is a bit of a cheat, since we have our whole summer almost already completely filled out. There are definitely some blank spaces though, so for some of these things are wishful thinking for what I hope to fill those days with. Because you know us, we're never idle.
*Fair
*Movies in the Park
* Make s'mores
* Make lemonade
* Make ice tea
* Make popsicles
* Watch fireworks
* Outdoor concerts
* Outdoor theater
* Swim lessons
* Backyard pool time
* Go on hikes
* Horse races
* Eat meals outside
* Beach day
* Pick watermelons
* Visit a waterpark
* Grow our own vegetables
* Go on picnics
* Camp out in the backyard
Monday, June 25, 2018
Mommy Mondays: Dinosaurs and Ice Cream, a Roaring 3rd Birthday Party
This year Thatbaby wanted his birthday party at the local children's museum. They had several themes to choose from, which included activities at the museum. Thatbaby picked the fossil dig - so a dinosaur party seemed to fit well with that.
His other request for the party was ice cream. And inspired by one of his favorite books, I decided to incorporate that into the theme.
Guests were greeted upon arrival with a reminder of that theme - dinosaurs and ice cream cones dotted the entry way.
The outdoor space where the party was held didn't really have walls, so I made use of a lot of hanging decorations in the open spaces. Lanterns and hanging ice cream cones were strung along the sides.
Dinosaurs ate ice cream on the kid's water bottles, and their lunches were packed in little dinosaur lunch boxes. Inside were dinosaur shaped turkey sandwiches, "dinosaur eggs" (grapes) and cheese crackers marked with dinosaur footprints.
Of course there was food for the adults too.
And the dessert table held cupcakes, ice cream cone shaped rice krispie treats,
Bone-shaped meringues
Dinosaur head cake pops
And the fossil dig was a lot of fun for the kids. They started with the kids on the edges of a sand pit with trowels, digging for fossils.
They found claws and dinosaur teeth.
They then moved into the sand pit and began carefully brushing the much larger dinosaur fossil buried there.
Because we had the party at the museum, the kids also had access to all the regular museum activities. And most of the dinosaurs found their way to the water table for a little swim.
Thatbaby had such a great time with his friends, playing and eating ice cream. Another party down!
His other request for the party was ice cream. And inspired by one of his favorite books, I decided to incorporate that into the theme.
Guests were greeted upon arrival with a reminder of that theme - dinosaurs and ice cream cones dotted the entry way.
The outdoor space where the party was held didn't really have walls, so I made use of a lot of hanging decorations in the open spaces. Lanterns and hanging ice cream cones were strung along the sides.
The tables featured dinosaurs enjoying their own ice cream sundaes.
Dinosaurs ate ice cream on the kid's water bottles, and their lunches were packed in little dinosaur lunch boxes. Inside were dinosaur shaped turkey sandwiches, "dinosaur eggs" (grapes) and cheese crackers marked with dinosaur footprints.
Of course there was food for the adults too.
And the dessert table held cupcakes, ice cream cone shaped rice krispie treats,
Bone-shaped meringues
Dinosaur head cake pops
And of course, what would an ice cream and dinosaur party be without an ice cream sundae bar. With bone shaped sprinkles, dinosaur shaped sprinkles, gummy dinosaurs, and dinosaur eggs,
And the fossil dig was a lot of fun for the kids. They started with the kids on the edges of a sand pit with trowels, digging for fossils.
They found claws and dinosaur teeth.
They then moved into the sand pit and began carefully brushing the much larger dinosaur fossil buried there.
We let the kids dig into their goody bags early. They were filled with toy dinosaurs, dinosaur and ice cream erasers, dinosaur and ice cream tatoos, a dino claw excavation kit, and the hit of the party - ice cream cone poppers.
Because we had the party at the museum, the kids also had access to all the regular museum activities. And most of the dinosaurs found their way to the water table for a little swim.
Thatbaby had such a great time with his friends, playing and eating ice cream. Another party down!
Monday, June 18, 2018
Mommy Mondays: Number 2 Turns 3.
As he does every year, last week Thatbaby went and got a year older. He's officially a threenager. Haven't heard that term before? Well then you've just admitted you've never had a 3 year old child.
Thatbaby couldn't wait to start his birthday, so much so that he was up at 5:30am. Nevermind that it's also my birthday and I didn't want to be up at 5:30am. See? Three. The worst.
He made his way out to the living room where he found a mountain of presents awaiting him. (Which didn't stop him from trying to also open my presents...)
He got some really great presents, but his favorite was from his brother - his very own Hatchimal!
Sharing a birthday means that Thatbaby got to pick what he wanted for breakfast - chocolate chip pancakes...
but I got to pick where we went - somewhere with mimosas and breakfast burritos!
After breakfast, we headed over to Thatbaby's "Preschool Popstars" class. I don't think I've written about it before, but we enrolled Thatbaby in his first extracurricular activity. He's spent the past 2 months movin' and groovin' to what was supposed to be pop music, but it turned out their big number (showcase next weekend!) is to "We Go Together" from Grease. Which is still pretty cute.
I picked the next activity since he didn't have any concrete desires on what he wanted to do for his birthday other than eat ice cream. So we headed blueberry picking!
After we picked berries he fed chickens and pet goats, so he was a pretty happy camper. After that we headed to my favorite brewery. Where they have pizza - one of Thatbaby's favorite foods. See how well we share?
Then it was time to swing by the pool party our friends were throwing. Sure it wasn't a party for us, but Thatbaby loved playing in the pool while I chatted with a bunch of my grown up friends.
We reverted back to Thatbaby for the rest of the evening. His request for a birthday dinner was nachos, so we went home and I made them. He also picked "Sword in the Stone" to watch during dinner. Which was a nice way to unwind after such a busy birthday. And now there are only 51 weeks of having a 3 year old left!
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